I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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