Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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