I just threw up on my dentist
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
