i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
