My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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