Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
