Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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