Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize