just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
