So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
