you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
