I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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