we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there was a trapeze. enough said
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
