Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
