He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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