Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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