I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
