Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
