i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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