Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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