EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
