well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
