I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
