I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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