Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
