Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
