420 ftw
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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