if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
