Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
