I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
