she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
