sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
third nipple confirmed
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
