Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
