o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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