I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
