these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
