I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
