You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
