Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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