I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
