porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
