i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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