you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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