I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
