hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
