Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
