I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
