You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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