HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
