thus making me awesome and them whores
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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