So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
