I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize