People with herpes should wear stickers.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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