I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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