I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
